Lost Confidence, Restored Faith
by Anendee
Summary: 23, Duo, depression, attemped suicide.


Author: Ashes Anime: Gundam Wing Rating: R Warnings: blood, suicide attempt, swearing, Shouen Ai (not sex)  
Pairings: Duo x Trowa Summary: Duo loses conficdence with himself as the war progresses, he starts behaving differently then ever before and even attempts suicide.  
was in two parts for a differnt place though i kinda like it as a one shot.  
Lost confidence, Restored faith

Author: Ashes, Trowa's kitty (who is currently in the dog house because of the first part of this fic. Hides from Trowa), Anendee Miko No Tears

Pairings:2+3 eventually, no more couples, as partial as I am to 1x4 and 5x4 couples, I might have gone with the 1x4 and it just didn't seem fair, so Duo and Trowa are the only couple.

Rating: I personally wouldn't go lower then R this time, but every one rates some what differently.

Warnings: a little oocness, and swearing, though I don't think it's too bad. That's it I believe, email me or flame me or what ever if you feel I missed something. Email at the bottom for those who would do one of the afore mentioned.

Archives: Shini Santuary, Sweet love 2x3 Animeinsanitysweetness(yahoo groups) and Lady cosmos site. If I find it elsewhere with out permission and with no good excuse, I will set zero system Quatre on you, along with an enraged Duo and Trowa, it is in your best interest to ask first.

Trowa: disclaimer my cat owns nothing, up to and including, me, Duo, our friends, and the song by evanescence Bring me To Life. Do not sue her, all you will get is a hair ball, a few cat toys and her college bills, nothing of worth.

/How can you see into my eyes like open doors./

Out of the blue Duo asks Quatre and Trowa, "Hey, guys, has it ever occurred to you that we have been damned lucky so far in this war?"

"What do you mean, Duo?" Quatre returned.

"I mean, I feel as though I have lost track of what the future would look like if we succeed." Duo replied.

Trowa threw a speculating glance Duo's way, in regard to his comment, and how un-Duo like it seemed.

"What do you mean, if? Don't you mean when?" Wufei questioned Duo as he came in to the kitchen, stopping right behind Quatre..

"Nope, I mean if." This uncharacteristicly realist attitude shocked Heero who had been working on his laptop, vaguely listening to the earlier parts of the conversation (the not war related one that I'm not getting into right now.).

Trowa, though staying silent had a lot to think about with this sudden change of attitude in his best friend, the man he loved though would probably never tell.

"The Future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams" Quatre quoted Eleanore Roosevelt, an American First Lady of the 20th century.

"I don't have dreams... only nightmares... Freedom, Life, Love and peace... it's all an impossible dream"

Even Quatre was stunned speechless at Duo's pronouncement.

"What the Hell does that mean," the careless regard of Duo toward the things he was fighting the hardest for pissed off Trowa to no end.

Trowa was the first to break the brief silence that had settled over the group with his own uncharacteristic outburst. (geez, at the rate I'm going the guys will have no end of shocks in this fic. Only the Lord knows what my paws will type, Lord help us all: Ashes)

"It means, that no matter how hard we try, we will never be good enough, normal enough. That no matter how hard we try nothing will ever go right for us. Gods know, we will never be able to fit in with society. Quatre has the best shot at that, and yet, for some reason I just don't believe it will work out for very long. Now, if you will excuse me, I've got a mission... I have to go do my thing as the god of death... See ya later buddy boys...""

/Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb.  
Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back home./

Heero studied him, watched him, and thought he knew him. Months, under his carefully trained eye, and until last night, he thought that he really was an innocent. That there was nothing hidden beneath the clear waters of his eyes. No, and right now they expressed a bitterness that had been successfully hidden for several months.

Duo had come home after his hack and slash mission that in his words went "just ducky." He made his way slowly to his room, pondering why he ever felt the need to wear the mask, and if maybe, just for a little while longer, he should keep it up and make a slow transition. He shrugged and entered his room, making sure everyone knew he had reached it by slamming the door shut, also conveying messages to the others to leave him the hell alone for a while.

Trowa and Wufei were the most disturbed by this. Trowa, who knew he would love Duo no matter what he was like, showed his worry the most. While he was in the library, he found a note book stuffed between and hidden by two huge old books that no one ever looked at. He found several drawings that were beyond disturbed, some showed murder, others suicide, others yet were abstract and yet conveyed deep sadness. The stories he read in the book made him cry his eyes out, and this was Trowa we are talking about, he almost never cried, maybe once in his entire life. The tears streamed down his face as his own mask slipped and almost shattered for good. The stories told of family loss, loved ones gone, and all in the most heartbreaking way. That of a child, no more then 5 understanding death, and what it was about.

The first person Trowa decided to show the works to was Wufei, hoping he would have an Idea of what to do with it. Wufei instantly knew what the notebook was and his questioning look asked Trowa where he got it. Wufei knew Duo didn't go far with out that collection of papers. Wufei could also tell that Trowa read it and looked at it, Trowa's eyes were still red from his crying.

"Yes, Barton, I know about his book." Trowa raised the visable eyebrow at this.

"And you did nothing? This is serious! Do you realize we could lose him? hell, he may already be lost! But I pray that as long as he is still alive we can help him! But if he'd dead, there will be nothing we can do. I don't know about you but I love him! I don't want to spend the rest of my life without him! he has become my soul, my salvation, now I want to help him, seriously, Wufei, do you think he can handle much more on his own, because what I read and saw tells me he cant." Trowa's voice softened as he said the last few sentences, his eyes downcast.

"Don't worry, we'll help him, I made a promise, not to show his work to anyone, he didn't say anything about someone else finding his work."

/Wake me up.  
Wake me up inside. I can't wake up. Wake me up inside. Save me. Call my name and save me from the dark. Wake me up. Bid my blood to run. I can't wake up. Before I come undone. Save me. Save me from the nothing I've become./

Trowa flanked by Wufei and Heero, headed towards Duo's room. Heero was brought in to the plan and as the three of them hadn't yet told of their past, Trowa hoped that it might work if they told Duo, and got him to open up willingly about his pain riddled past.

The knocked on the door, no answer. "Duo, open the door, we want to talk to you." Trowa sounded as calm as he felt scared, needless to say he sounded so calm he was almost dead. Still no answer. Wufei's gaze was drawn to the bathroom door, right next to Dou's room. He knocked, no answer there either. Wufei motioned to Trowa and the 3 of them held a little huddle in the middle of the hall way.

"Who gets which door and the person who gets Duo's door gets Heero to help bring it down." Wufei muttered.

"I got the bathroom, I don't know why but that door is giving me the creeps." Trowa replied.

"Ok, then Wufei and I get Duo's door. On three, 1.. 2.. 3.. Now!" Heero took charge for operation door release. The plan was to get in asap, find Duo and be sure he was ok, if he wasnt, figure out how to make him so. Heero and Wufei took on the door with simultaneous kicks to bring it down with a crash, as Trowa used his shoulder to get through the bathroom door.

"OH, Gods! Guys, in here!" oh shit was the first thought in Trowa's head. Blood had been smeared all over the walls and every imaginable surface of the small bathroom. It was barely big enough for the toilet, tub and sink it held, and it had been painted red by the boy who was completely still in the impossibly red water in the tub.

Wufei made it into the tiny room next, "Duo! Shit!" he helped get the dead weight of everyone's favorite pilot out of the bloody water. Heero, who had run to the linen closet, got several towels out, not realizing more of them would go toward keeping Duo's life blood where it belonged. He called 911 on his second trip to the closet.

Trowa and Wufei carefully wrapped Duo's wrists, and both noticed several long thin white lines that marred the unconscious pilot's arms and wrist. They hoped and preyed these weren't more failed suicide attemps, but knew somewhere they were, or at least self inflicted. Why would some one so happy and cheery as Duo do such a heinous thing to himself?

"Duo, come on. Wake up. You cant do this to us. We're your friends... your family even and we love you. And it just wouldn't be the same without you. We need you to complete our family, to make us as whole as we make you." Wufei continued to ramble on and on, Trowa nodding in agreement. They had done everything they could to keep him alive until he could get to the hospital. Trowa grabbed Duo's hand as if if he let go, he would lose Duo forever.

Duo was in his own personal hell...

Duo, in a hell of his own making found the imps loved to torment him with the worst memories of his past, and unfortunately there were plenty of them to choose from. Duo maoned at the tight pressure at his hand, but it wasn't in distress. He held on for dear life to the spector in his mind that seemed to resemble an angel leading him out of the darkness that was his pained mind. In his mind, he knew that should either let go, he would be forever lost to the pits of this hell. The warm pale green light with twinges of black and dark blue, the spector of light Helped Duo along his mind's terrain until Duo led them to a place that just felt good, warm and above all, safe.

In this area of light, life and happiness, Duo saw reruns of his favorite memories. Times with Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, and the guys, his music and art before the art went to hell as well. Here Duo remembered what it had been to really laugh, and smile...

Quatre burst into the safe house after his trip from town, he had received a call from Heero to get back asap.

"what happened? You okay? Are you hurt? What's the matter?" Quatre was firing out questions faster then Wufei and Heero could attempt to answer them.

"Quatre, settle down, you may want to sit for this" Heero started.

Wufei continued, "Duo has been taken to the hospital, he tried to commit suicide. Trowa, Heero and I found him before he died but it was a close thing. He almost didn't make it. Trowa went with him to the hospital and said he would call when he has news."

Quatre thought to himself, well that explains this dull ache I have had all day. What he said was, "I don't care what needs to be done, but we need to be there for him." The other two just gave him a look that said we stay here.

"MOVE OUT, we leave now!" Quatre dared them to challenge him on this, and they saw the beginnings of that evil zero system glint in his eyes. They wisely got their gear together for the trip.

Trowa was a bit surprise to see them at he hospital when they arrived, but relieved as well. The doctors had just come out of the surgery room, informing Trowa that his "friend would be fine, physically in a few days, but he would have to visit the psychiatrist several times before he could leave." They were going to put him in the psych ward when he recovered enough. They were allowed to visit him now though if they would like, and Trowa had taken advantage of that, staying as close to Duo as he could get.

The guys all entered the small private room, Trowa had insisted Duo have. Quatre immediately took over Trowa's seat next to the bed. Quatre cared for all of them, but every time Duo comes into his sight, he'll make any excuse to talk and to touch him. And he was doing just that. Holding his hand, telling him funny jokes. 

Trowa's eyes, all but obscured by his hair, soften imperceptibly every time they fix on Duo's lithe form, and even though Duo was on a hospital bed, nothing had changed the loving look that only Duo would have caught, if he ever saw it. 

As for Wufei, the Chinese boy never lets Duo out of his sight. Onyx eyes never let the braided boy stray from their line of vision. And after this, it will be even harder for Duo to escape Wufei's hawk eyed intensity.

Duo cracked open one of his blue violet eyes and saw the blurred image of everyone's favorite blonde. "Where's Trowa?" he croaked out. Quatre, only a little hurt, but understanding, relinquished the seat for Trowa. Trowa pulled a bunch of flowers from behind his back, they were star gazer lilies, Duo's favorite.

To Duo the flowers were great, but even better for him was that Trowa was still there. He berated himself for the thought. Trowa may always be there, but it didn't mean that he would ever be Duo's. Duo's heart whimpered at the reprimand his mind sent. His mind tried to sooth the hurt in the heart by reminding it that to try and make a go of it would only shatter the oh so fragile heart, yet again if it went wrong, it was safer if they just left well enough alone.

/Now that I know what I'm without you can't just leave me.  
Breathe into me and make me real Bring me to life.

Chorus

Bring me to life. I've been living a lie There's nothing inside. Bring me to life./

Quatre made the mistake of mentioning the word happy. "Hey Duo, could you tell us why you did this? I mean I had thought that for the most part you were happy."

Duo turned to the blonde and sneered, "Happy? Who ever said I was Happy? I sure as hell didn't!" Every one was taken aback by Duos behavior, but Quatre wouldn't leave it alone, "why?"

Duo took his frustration out on the blonde, practically screaming at the little Arab, especially as Duo thought he was the reason Duo would never have a shot at Trowa now. His line of thinking came to the forefront one day when he walked in on Trowa and Quatre cuddling on the couch, watching a movie. What Duo hadn't seen was that just a few minutes earlier, Quatre had been bawling because of a mission gone wrong and innocents killed. "Why? I tell you why? 'Cause the heart is very fragile thing and when given into the wrong hands, it shatters and breaks, never to put together again in it's original state. I couldn't live though that again... Could any of you?"

/Frozen inside without your touch,  
without your love, darling.  
Only you are the life among the dead.

All of this sight I can't believe I couldn't see Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me/

"What did he mean again?" Heero asked the question of the rest of them when it became obvious that Duo would say no more on the subject. They had left the room, and only Wufei noticed the slump Duo's shoulders took on from his position on his side.

"What he means, is that he has been hurt before and two of us did it too him, even if it were a misunderstanding, we still hurt part of our family." Wufei wouldn't say much more on the topic, though he knew so much about it. He was the one Duo went to to pour out his heart when he saw Quatre and Trowa. Wise Wufei also knew the story behind the scene but Duo wouldn't listen to him.

The next couple days went by in a blur to all, including Duo who spent more time then he ever wanted in the psych office. He was released a few days after he had been admitted into the psych ward. All the guys were there to pick him up and Trowa, as he had every day, had a bunch of lilies. Some days they were star gazers, others they were tiger, and other days still they were calla lilies, or death lilies as Duo called them, but they were still a fave of Duo's. Duo's heart began to melt, the mind imposed ice wall dripped to nonexistence, forcing Duo to feel his love for the green eyed pilot.

/I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.  
I've got to open my eyes to everything.

Without a thought Without a voice Without a soul

Don't let me die here There must be something wrong.  
Bring me to life./

"Duo Remember. Nothing you do or say can drive us away"

That was the one card Trowa sent with the first bunch of flowers, and Duo was of a mind to believe it and that helped him to recover. In his heart he knew it was true, but his mind had become wary of losing all those dear to him. Duo as he had been before, optimistically ignored his head and followed his heart and believed, hoping and praying it was true. Blind faith in his friends and now family, that was something he hadn't had in so long.

/Chorus

Bring me to life.  
I've been living a lie There's nothing inside./

The guys brought him home, and on the way, Duo apologized to Quatre for his outburst the first day in the hospital. Quatre, who had been a little blue, perked up considerably with the apology, which made the rest of them smile; knowing how hard it was for Duo to apologize to any one.

"What?...Do I have something on my face?..."

The guys just kept smiling; even Heero and Trowa wore their emotions out on their sleeves for all to see.

"WHAT? Why are you all looking at me like that?..."

Wufei began to smirk, followed by the rest of them.

"I'm leaving this is freaking me out..."

"Humpf... What the hell?" Duo had been jumped. First by Trowa who wrapped his arms round Duo's chest like a loving band to hold him, then the rest joined in.

"Don't you ever do that to us again, Duo Maxwell." Trowa Said squeezing him tighter.

"Why are you all hugging me? ... Need air guys... air is good, air is nice..."

they all laughed at the wheezed crack, couldn't be much else seeing as he was having a hard time breathing.

"We love you..." Quatre started.

"Each on our own way" Heero continued

"Ever single day" Wufei included.

"One loves you more then the others" Trowa finished, that softening in his eyes that only Duo would catch came to the forefront and this time Duo Caught it. He smiled shyly up at Trowa, "really?"

Trowa added a soft smile to his features and Duo melted, "How could I not, no matter which Duo you are, happy sad, pissed off, whatever, I have always loved and in the words of one of your oldies artists Bon Jovi: I will always love you, baby, always." Trowa even sang the line as it had meant to be, sounding great in the process. By this time the boys had untangled themselves from the group hug, Duo launched himself at Trowa, who easily caught him and kissed him senseless.

When they broke off, due to the aawws and clearing of throats, Trowa held Duo's eyes to his. "Promise me, and I'm dead serious about this, promise me you will never do that again." A confused, hurt look crosses over Duo's face. "I mean, hurting yourself or even trying to kill your self, kiss me all you want, in fact I encourage it, " Trowa said that with a face splitting grin which quickly turned serious. "But please don't hurt your self or us like that again; we would be so lost with out you."

The guys nodded in agreement, then became just as shocked as Duo when Trowa swept him up in his arms and kissed him like any hero in a romance novel would kiss his love. (And I read a ton of those to know: Ashes)

"I love you more then I can ever tell you" Trowa whispered against Duo's mouth.

"You brought me back to life, and I will always love you," Duo whispered back

/Bring me to life.../

the end!

Trowa: Well you did fix it like I asked and got me and Duo together, I don't know, but the part with Duo thinking I was with Quatre probably should get you into trouble, but im in a good mood right now so I will let it slide, this time only though.

Ashes:Yeah! Hey, Duo, would you purty please scratch right behind my ears? They are driving me crazy. And im really sorry about the fic and the pain I inflicted on you and Trowa, as well as the rest of the guys.

Duo smiles and scratches Ashes ears, aloud purring could be heard all through their apartment.

Ok well if you have any comments, even flames would be welcome, as long as I get some feed back, bring it on. See ya soon with more fics of Trowa and Duo.

Ever notice that your favorite character is always the one you torture the most? that chara might not be the first one to be tortured, but they tend to be the one you torture the most. i dont get it sometimes.

Ashes

Ashes, Miko No Tears Residence: where ever Trowa is, in my warped really Protecter of all anime tears that some guys just cant cry. 


End file.
